Broken Taper

I’ve touched on this a little in some of my posts but have never really come out and told you. I suffer from severe anxiety and mild PTSD both feed on each other. As I’ve aged it seems to have gotten worse. If you met me you wouldn’t know it as I’ve for the most part trained myself to mask it from all except the people closest people. The doctors at urgent care once knew me by first name because I was in nearly every month sometimes twice. I refuse to take medication.

The only thing that has helped me cope with it I found totally by mistake, running. When I started running I started to notice that I not only was much happier, I was not visiting the doctor as much as a matter of fact last year was a hallmark. I think I was only in urgent care three times for anxiety.

You see if I keep on a regular schedule of at least 2 or 3 runs a week it seems to keep my anxiety in check. The PTSD has always been sort of bearable and controllable unless I’m pulled over the edge. ‘Front Toward Enemy’  When I do go there which thank GOD is almost never, I hate myself afterwords.

Yesterday was a hard day I was/am in taper for my run on Saturday; all day at work I was anxious, irritable and couldn’t concentrate; I had the urge to go to the doctors. It got so bad I took off at lunch and drove over to Ross and bought running shorts, shirt and underwear then next door to Dicks Sporting Goods to buy running socks. $60.00 later I was back at work. My intention was to run on the treadmill at 3PM, its been raining here. But as things would go I couldn’t get to the gym until 5:30pm when there I was told the gym was closing. So with $60.00 wasted went back to my desk, finish out my work day and went home. I changed in to my old running cloths and headed out and was lucky to catch a break in the rain and ran in the drizzle.

Only did 3.23 miles with good hills and felt so much better; I’m okay today. Running is my drug and helps keep me; me.  I’m so thankful I have it and so scared of the day when I can’t run.

Tomorrow is my Half-Marathon at Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, California. The race is going to be tougher than planed as its been raining here, and I expect it to rain during the race SO THERE WILL BE MUD.. lots and lots of mud running up the hills is going to be hell.

PS: Today is my Dad’s birthday he would have been 84, he’s been gone 3 years. It will hit me later tonight i’m sure. I’ll run for him tomorrow.. OohRah Dad, I miss you.

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15 Responses to Broken Taper

  1. 50in50marathonquest says:

    you’ll crush it tomorrow…best of luck, go get it brother.

  2. Micah says:

    good luck with your run and my best wishes. run as hard as you can, until you feel better.

  3. my26pointtwo says:

    I have no doubt from the information you choose to share and your achievements in the military and more latterly your huge running achievements that you are. A brave and courageous man. Anxiety can affect us all at different times during our lives and whilst it is different for everyone, I hope the fact that you are not alone and have people who are supporting you gives you at least some comfort when things get tough. Enjoy your run, I find I am most free of my stresses and worries when I have a pair of running shoes on too. Make the most of it 😄

  4. runrodrun says:

    You know what? You’re gonna be great in tomorrow’s race! And even if you’re merely good as opposed to great due to the slightly broken taper, so what? Your health — physical and psychological — comes first. 😃

    I’ll tell you another thing, many experts advocate going for a light run of about 3 kilometres the day before the race. So you went a tad further. The principle of shaking out your legs a bit was still met.

    Go get’em Bill!!!

  5. josalyn says:

    running = therapy! always calms the soul. And sometimes, angels appear on runs sending you strength and courage.

  6. As someone who also suffers, I get it. And not being able to run as much with my husband deployed has definitely taken it’s toll. I think God meant for me to read this post today. You are not alone. xo

  7. pauldburton says:

    Nice post. It’s good to share.

  8. Thanks for sharing! I sort of get you… When running, everything negative about life doesn’t seem to matter as much. How did you go?

  9. Brittany says:

    I’m hopeful you’ll be running far into your 80’s, and when the time comes you will have another activity to help with this!! Keep running!

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